Those Wacky Hets!

When parenting goes to pot

2009-07-07T10:08:00.002-04:00

We all know that the best caregivers for little babies are heterosexual couples. For example, how could a gay couple possibly understand the unique contributions each gender makes toward their developing bundle of joy? Or, as Debra Morgan from Dexter notes, "A motherf*cking roly-poly, chubby-cheeked, sh*t machine?"

Because babies do produce about a million times their weight in poop.

And only the perfect combination of genders, suitably tied together in legal knots, can deal with that harsh fact of life.

Except when they don't.

* Last summer in Memphis, Tenn., police say a 2-year-old girl was beaten to death by her father over a potty training issue.

* Last month in Sacramento, Calif., a 27-year-old man was arraigned on murder charges for allegedly throwing his girlfriend's 4-year-old son against a wall after the boy urinated in his diaper in the night.

* A husband and wife in Phoenix were accused last month of severely beating their 4-year-old daughter because she had not gone to the bathroom.

* And in Columbia, S.C., a father is in jail after being accused of kicking his 3-year-old daughter in the head and stomach, critically injuring her, over potty training issues.

Well, you know. It's icky.

Nine plus two...hey! This one goes to eleven!

2009-07-03T11:04:00.002-04:00

Showing, once again, that heterosexuals have an outstanding edge over same sex couples, this dude fathered NINE children! Isn't that great? But sadly, he lost his wife and therefore had to abandon ALL of them to the care of the state.

All nine. Didn't even keep the 17-year-old.

But wait, as the late Billy Mays would say...there's more!

He and his new heterosexual sex partner are expecting twins.

I am sure we're all hoping the new mom-to-be doesn't check out on this Father-of-the-decade. That'll be two more kids without the blessing of a mommy and a daddy.

Just a pile of wacky hets here!!

2009-06-09T12:26:00.002-04:00

Wacky Hets galore!

Heterosexual marriage is sacred

2009-03-17T18:11:00.001-04:00

That's why when it is threatened, sometimes you have to choke someone.

A Florida man wearing an "I [heart] My Marriage" t-shirt was arrested last night for allegedly choking his wife during an argument in their Tampa-area home. Bradley Gellert, a 32-year-old financial consultant, was busted by Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office deputies and booked into jail on a felony domestic battery by strangulation charge.... The "I [heart] My Marriage" shirt was a promotional item tied to the 2008 movie "Fireproof," a Christian-themed film starring Kirk Cameron. The movie, a hit in evangelical circles, centers on a fireman's religious awakening and his simultaneous effort to save a failing marriage.

There is nothing like a father's love

2009-03-16T13:56:00.002-04:00

Especially when he imprisons his daughter and rapes her over a period of 24 YEARS, further "fathering" upon her seven children, one of whom he allowed to die by neglect.

Oddly, such things are against the law. In fact, if he is found guilty of murdering his own child/grandchild, he can go to prison for life. Raping his daughter, however, carries the onerous prison term of up to a YEAR.

Luckily, these children were all brought up in a house with a father and a mother who were married to each other! In fact, Mom, who for some reason is not being charged as an accomplice, was presented with her own daughter's children - 3 of the 7 - and told they were "abandoned" and therefore she could raise them as her own.

No, really. That's her story.

Three of the children grew up underground in Amstetten, never seeing daylight. The other three were brought upstairs to be raised by Fritzl and his wife, Rosemarie, who apparently believed they had been abandoned.
Defense lawyer Rudolf Mayer appealed to the jury to be objective and insisted Fritzl was "not a monster," saying his client even brought a Christmas tree down to his captives, whom he considered a second family.
"If you just want to have sex, you don't have children," Mayer said. "As a monster, I'd kill all of them downstairs."

See, now, that lawyer is incorrect there. Everyone knows that the punishment for sex is children.

This just in...

2009-03-16T10:00:00.002-04:00

always remember that the monotheistic faiths of the world are also knows as "religions of peace."

For example, Islam!

...sitting in front of me is a British woman whose life has been threatened in this country solely because she is a Christian.

The book is called The Imam’s Daughter because “Hannah Shah” is just that: the daughter of an imam in one of the tight-knit Deobandi Muslim Pakistani communities in the north of England. Her father emigrated to this country from rural Pakistan some time in the 1960s and is, apparently, a highly respected local figure.

He is also an incestuous child abuser, repeatedly raping his daughter from the age of five until she was 15, ostensibly as part of her punishment for being “disobedient”. At the age of 16 she fled her family to avoid the forced marriage they had planned for her in Pakistan. A much, much greater affront to “honour” in her family’s eyes, however, was the fact that she then became a Christian – an apostate. The Koran is explicit that apostasy is punishable by death; thus it was that her father the imam led a 40-strong gang – in the middle of a British city – to find and kill her.

Or, Christianity!

A youth pastor faces 19 more sex-related crimes stemming from his alleged involvement with a 14-year-old girl.

High Point police said Benjamin Douglas Caldwell, 29, is being held in the Guilford County jail in High Point...

Caldwell, of 1310 Coventry Drive, was a youth pastor and athletics director at Hayworth Christian School.

Caldwell was arrested Thursday after police got a 911 call from the victim's residence. Police later said that the sexual offenses involving a 14-year-old girl had taken place over the past three months...

Caldwell was charged last week with six counts of statutory rape, three counts of statutory sex offense and eight counts of taking indecent liberties with a minor. He was later released on a $100,000 bond.

On Monday, he was charged with 17 counts of taking indecent liberties with a child, one count of statutory rape and one count of statutory sex offense.

Bristol and Levi, sittin' in a tree...

2009-03-12T11:57:00.002-04:00

...not any more.

Hey, weren't they supposed to be the role models for teenage heterosexuals? They had sex, made a baby, and a while presidential campaign was sort of built on their deep love which was gonna make them get married like proper hets. Isn't that the right way for things to happen? Boy + girl = baby, then marriage? Oh, wait. Usually there's the sacredness of heterosexual marriage FIRST. So, they did it in the wrong order.

But wait! Doesn't every child DESERVE a mommy and a daddy? Isn't it their right? I know I heard that somewhere.

Oh, here!

"The homosexual community continues to attempt to attract the emotions of society," said Prentice, executive director of the California Family Council, a group that is "committed to promoting Judeo-Christian principles" and is part of an anti-gay marriage consortium called ProtectMarriage.com. "Our hope is that society will recognize that the meaning and purpose of marriage is more than an emotional argument."

The "homosexual lobby," as he put it, "is dismissing the foundational purpose of marriage and what's best for children and society. Children deserve both a mother and a father."

And mommy and daddy have to be married because marriage is only about making babies! And of they are not married, the child will grow up to be a criminal!!

Well, at least daddy Levi will be involved in raising his little bundle of joy...

...or not.

Levi's sister Mercede Johnston says Bristol actually broke up with Levi more than a month ago, is not attending school and rarely lets her baby daddy see their young son. Mercede also says Bristol even told him that she hates him and, when she learned she was pregnant, wished the baby wasn't his.
...

Apparently, Levi is also far from being a hands-on dad. Said Mercede: "Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible for him. She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash.'

Oh, well. Maybe a nice gay male couple can help provide male role models.

When your proper boy/girl marriage can't have kids...

2009-02-27T18:27:00.001-05:00

...you should BUY them. Or, at least trade them for something useful and family-values affirming, like...a bird. And maybe a few bucks on the side.

Paul and Brandy Romero advertised that they were selling their pet cockatoo for $1,500.

A woman named Donna Greenwell responded and said she wanted to buy the bird. Greenwell then told the Romeros that she was taking care of three children whose biological parents were going through a separation.

Greenwell proposed selling two of the couple's children to the Romeros for $2,000, saying that her job as a truck driver made it hard to take care of the children, said Capt. Keith Dupre of the Evangeline Parrish Sheriff's Office in Louisiana.

The parties allegedly negotiated a trade involving the two kids, the bird and $175.

The beauty and sanctity of a heterosexual marriage

2009-02-20T09:32:00.002-05:00

There is no more treasured and unique relationship than a marriage between a man and a woman. In fact, some folks have such a passion for it, they do it more than once.

But here's a genuine winner in the boy-girl marriage world - a woman who really, REALLY appreciates the condition. She loves the precious state so much she wants to do it again for the 24rd time. Considering what so many of het marriage defenders say is a standard reason for marriage, "for the children," you might expect that she has a brood at least the size of the renowned "No sex for me, I'm crazy" Octomom. Oddly, though, she only has seven. And from only three Daddies! That's het love for you, right there. Oh, and they love her so much for the parade of daddies, step daddies and "Uncle whatshisnames" she introduced them to that none of them visit her.

“They don’t come around me,” Wolfe said of her brood. “They’ve got their own lives to live. Some of them is high-headed.”

Clearly, they do not treasure the wonderful and special world of heterosexual marriage as much as she does.

Another interesting fact is that The Gays only ruined TWO of her twenty-three previous marriages. (By marrying her, of course. It's only right for gays to try and become straight by marring "other gender" partners, you never know when it will take.)

Others ended for many excellent reasons - infidelity, abuse, strange behavior, and occasionally the realization that getting married might have been a mistake. Her most recent marriage was done purely as a publicity stunt, probably to help support the right of heteros to completely own the priceless word "marriage." After all, that husband was also a great fan of marriage.

He married twenty-NINE times.

It's a very sacred and holy relationship, you know. As long as it's a boy-girl thing. Otherwise, it cheapens the real meaning of marriage.

2009-02-17T09:21:00.002-05:00

This is perhaps not the best way to help improve the public image of Muslims in America. Just saying.

The founder of a U.S. Muslim television network has been arrested and charged with murdering his wife by beheading her, the network's Web site and local media reported.

Muzzammil Hassan, founder and CEO of Buffalo, N.Y.-based Bridges TV which launched in 2004 with a mission to show Muslims in a more positive light, was charged after reporting the death of his wife, Aasiya Hassan, 37, on Thursday night.

But you know how it is. She had filed for divorce. And that's no way to respect the sanctity of marriage. Beheading is the only response.

Mom knows best how to cook a daughter

2009-02-07T11:01:00.002-05:00

What could be better for young children than a loving home with a heterosexual mom and dad who proclaim their allegiance to faith by displaying a license plate reading 1-God in their window?

Girl: 'Mom cooks me in the oven like a turkey'

Reyna Valentino, 40, went to a neighbor’s house after burning the girl in the oven at 3:30 p.m. on Jan. 23, begging the neighbor to call police.

“It’s really sad,” said Mamun Roshid, 16, a neighbor who arrived home from school that afternoon to find an ambulance in front of his house after Valentino knocked on his family’s door.

Roshid said the scene was a far cry from the affection he had witnessed previously between Valentino, her husband, the 4-year-old, a 5-year-old daughter, 7- and 8-year-old sons and an infant. “Actually, they all looked pretty happy,” he said.

Hamtramck Police Detective Ben Bielecki said Valentino asked police in her 911 call to come get her.

“She said, ‘I’m going to hurt my family,’” Bielecki explained. “When our guys got there, it was pretty bad.”

While the father had gone to pick the two boys up from school, Valentino used either a nail or a screwdriver heated over the stove to burn the 4-year-old girl’s lower eyelid. Then she put the girl in the turned-on oven, creating sear lines on her back from the oven’s interior.

“She said that her heart’s hurt and broke,” the 4-year-old told police, according to Bielecki.

The girl, the detective said, also told police that: “ ‘Mommy doesn’t love me anymore. Mama’s going to hurt me again. She hurts me with a nail and cooks me in the oven like a turkey.’”

Valentino’s other daughter told investigators her mother once hit her with a crowbar. All five children are now in foster care and doing fine, Bielecki said. He said the 4-year-old’s wounds are healing and she’s doing well, too.

Well, at least he was straight about it

2009-01-27T14:04:00.002-05:00

A dean from Pat Robertson's Regent University Law School was recently convicted of forcible sodomy and object sexual penetration of children. This sharp reader asked, but what KIND of children?? It's important!

Well, it turns out they were girls. Whew! It seems this good Xtian man was VERY interested in girls actually.

McPherson and his wife worked from August 1996 to August 2000 as house parents supervising a cottage of as many as eight girls at Hope Haven Children's Home on North Landing Road in Virginia Beach, said Linda Jones, a spokeswoman for Union Mission Ministries, which operates the home. Hope Haven, founded in 1965, provides Christian-based care for children from "distressed family situations," according to its Web site.

McPherson is a grandson of the Rev. Theodore Bashford, executive director of the ministries for 52 years, Jones said Friday.

"We are very saddened by the whole thing," she said.

After they left Hope Haven, the McPhersons adopted three girls over the objections of Hope Haven, Jones said. The shelter opposes staff adoptions to avoid interfering with relationships between children and the parents who place them there, Jones said.

Well, maybe they can send these girls back to the place they came from. One could describe their current situation as a "distressed family." Then they can be adopted again by a nice, straight, married couple. For their safety.

The gays = evil. The anti-semites and holocaust deniers? Children of god!

2009-01-24T16:17:00.003-05:00

Those wacky Catholics! They're busy making sure there are no out homosexuals in their business, hiding child abusers and making sure that sickos who think that "not one Jew" was murdered (in gas chambers) during the Holocaust.

No, really.

Nothing like the care and attention a het couple give to their kids...

2009-01-06T09:52:00.003-05:00

Oh, we forgot he went missing ten years ago. Is that a problem?

Wichita attorney Warner Eisenbise, who is representing Adam's adoptive parents, said the couple "really rue the fact that they didn't" report the boy missing.

"They feel very guilty" about not doing that, he said in a telephone interview. The couple told him the boy had run away frequently, he said, and they believed him to be either with his biological parents or homeless.

Although the Herrmans did not report him missing, "they were very worried about him," he said.

See, if he'd just run away to be homeless - at age 11 or twelve, they haven't figured out how OLD he was when he went missing - then that would be OK. I mean, what parent wouldn't want to know their 12 year old was living on the streets? Hey, they were worried!! They just didn't DO anything.

Good thing he wasn't fostered or adopted by one of those icky same-gender couples.

Hey, at least there's a guy and a girl, ya know?

2008-12-23T09:16:00.002-05:00

American allies in the war against terror, Saudia Arabia, recently upheld the staunchly heterosexual nature of this relationship...between a 58 year old man and an 8 year old girl. Hey, at least it's het! Not like those same gender pairings at all.

Besides, it's not like it's, you know..against her will or anything.

An eight-year old Saudi Arabian girl who was married off by her father to a 58-year-old man has been told she cannot divorce her husband until she reaches puberty.

Lawyer Abdu Jtili said the divorce petition was filed by the unnamed girl's divorced mother in August after the marriage contract was signed by her father and the groom. "The judge has dismissed the plea because she [the mother] does not have the right to file, and ordered that the plea should be filed by the girl herself when she reaches puberty," lawyer Abdullah Jtili told the AFP news agency.

See? she can divorce when she starts bleeding!
Well...maybe. Possibly.

In many child marriages, girls are given away to older men in return for dowries or following the custom by which a father promises his daughters and sons to marriage while still children. But the issue is complicated by different interpretations of sharia law and a lack of legal certainty.

"There is confusion in Saudi Arabia over the fundamental question of what constitutes adulthood," said Clarisa Bencomo of Human Rights Watch. "There is also vast judicial discretion." The case appears to fit a pattern of divorced fathers using their children to take revenge against their ex-wives. Mothers usually only have custody while the children are young.

Relatives said the marriage had not been consummated and that the girl was still living with her mother. They said that the father had set a verbal condition by which the marriage was not to be consummated until the girl turns 18 - although it was unclear how this could be enforced. The father agreed to marry off his daughter for a dowry of 30,000 riyals (£5,400) as he was facing financial problems.

Bencomo dismissed the idea that the girl would be able to file for divorce once she reached puberty since there was no standard definition of this. In addition, Saudi judges often insist that even adult women speak to them through a male guardian or lawyer.

Well, by then it'll be out of the news, anyway. Those wacky Saudis! Ya know, the US agreed with them and with every other radical Islamist nation-state in the world plus the Vatican, to not sign a non-binding UN statement which would have encouraged countries to not murder any homosexuals living there. Because, see, if we have to refrain from killing them outright, through hate crimes or legal execution, why the next step would be marriage and that's just not het.

Besides, the US didn't sign on to the "stop picking on teh gays" declaration because it might permit relationships with children!

The opposing statement read in the General Assembly, supported by nearly 60 nations, rejected the idea that sexual orientation was a matter of genetic coding. The statement, led by the Organization of the Islamic Conference, said the effort threatened to undermine the international framework of human rights by trying to normalize pedophilia, among other acts.

So...
wait

So...Saudia Arabia wants to permit legal restrictions and encourage abuse of gays to prevent relationships like the one their higher court just ruled should continue.

(thinks)

Oh, wait!! It's allowed because it's het!! OK, we got it now.
Thise wacky hets!!

Torture IS a family value. Isn't it?

2008-08-01T13:52:00.003-04:00

I mean, it does seem that an awful lot of conservatives - the type who support "traditional family values" and "the culture of life" and good stuff like that also support the right to bend someone's head backwards and slowly pour water over them until they start to drown. Repeatedly.

So, these folks are just more wacky hets, carrying on with their traditional values!

Remember, the best parents are married hets!

2008-08-01T13:49:00.002-04:00

Even when he rapes his daughter and kills mom because she found out. At least the kids were raised by good, Christian parents.

Well, as long as he wasn't toe-tapping...

2007-09-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

Uber-het males do tend to spread their sexuality around; shoving it down, as they often say of the queers, our collective throats. But Senator David Vitter turns out to have been quite the het stud! That is, until he knew his hired-lady had a real name. Then, the fantasy was all gone.

A woman who once worked as a prostitute in New Orleans said Tuesday that Senator David Vitter had sex with her several times a week from July to November 1999, shortly after he was elected to Congress.

Wendy Yow Ellis said she met Vitter through an escort service and saw him two to three times a week in an apartment at Dauphine and Dumaine streets in the French Quarter. Vitter was elected to the U.S. House in May 1999 and sworn in to office June 8.

At first, Ellis said, he knew her only by her stage name: Leah.

Ellis said the affair ended "abruptly" when she gave him her real name. She shares a first name with his wife, Wendy Baldwin Vitter.

"When I asked him if he would like to carry this beyond the business, I gave him my name and phone number. I said, 'My real name is Wendy,' and he said, 'Oh my God,'" Ellis recalled. "I did see him a few times at the club I danced at after that. He just kind of gave me a look of disbelief."

Hookers should not be allowed to have the same names as wives, it just gets confusing. Imagine if he called out his hooker's real name while having sex with his wife! The poor lady might have gotten confused.

As he puts it on his official website,

We share a common goal – to make Louisiana an even better place to live, work, and raise a family. As the parents of four children, my wife Wendy and I get up every day dedicated to securing a truly bright future for all of us in Louisiana.

See? That's "wife" Wendy, not "casual hook-up for pay Wendy"

Ahh, those family values

2007-09-11T23:56:00.001-04:00

Remember, the family that kidnaps, stabs, sexually abuses and otherwise tortures together...um...where was I?

The suspects include a mother and son, a mother and daughter, and two men.

According to criminal complaints filed in the county, Williams was sexually assaulted, stabbed in the left leg, choked and beaten.

The victim said one of the suspects cut her ankle with a knife while saying, "That's what we do to [racial slur] around here," police records show.

She also allegedly was forced to eat rat and dog feces, lick up blood and drink from the toilet. The criminal complaints say the suspects threatened to kill the victim if she left the house where she was being held.

Girls need heterosexual fathers

2007-08-31T22:35:00.001-04:00

To teach them how to behave with the opposite sex. . And how to recover from broken ribs

To show them the proper firm discipline that only a het dad can deliver. In a rage.

Just to be clear...

2007-08-31T15:25:00.000-04:00

If someone says they are "not gay" or that they "like men/women/other gendered people" or that they ARE hets, it is the official position of Those Wacky Hets that we believe them. After all, why lie? Those Wacky Gays have enough blogs of their own.

Het male seeks same for sex

2007-08-30T15:06:00.001-04:00

See, the funny thing about these gentlemen who cruise other gentlemen is that they are NOT gay. They'll tell you that over and over again! Not being gay relieves them of the responsibilities and restrictions of the homosexual lifstyle; the complicated coffee drinks, the hours of work at the gym, the cultural literacy, the lack-o'-cilvil rights way of dealing with relationships. Safely wed to the "other" gender, they are free to cruise other guys for anonymous, semi-public, risky sexual activities with none of the usual side effects of being gay! (Like, um. Wearing jeans. Renting from netflix. You know. gay stuff.)

Good As You has the goods on one way these fellows find each other.

Remember the "war is not health" phrase?

2007-08-30T14:57:00.000-04:00

Maybe those wacky hets might consider some of the side effects on, you know, THE CHILDREN when they wage war. Not the children who actually die as collateral damage. But the ones at home.

The kids of those who serve, for example.

Confirmed incidents of child abuse and neglect among Army families increase significantly when a parent is deployed to a combat zone, according to a new study by researchers at RTI International and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Public Health.

Maybe they should... maybe... allow gay people to serve? Silly thought, never mind.

How rich hets take care of their kids

2007-08-30T14:51:00.000-04:00

They leave money to their pets, of course.

Could it be...

2007-08-30T13:57:00.001-04:00

SATAN?

Nothing to see here!

2007-08-30T10:01:00.001-04:00

Just solid, heterosexual values, from leaders of the staunch, moral fight against homo-sex.

Don't look! Nothing to see!

But what about the children???

2007-08-28T11:18:00.001-04:00

We've been told time and time again that a "family" with two parents, each of one gender (of only two to choose from) is the best, most stable, most loving, healthy, proper, legal and just-damn righteous of places to bring forth, nurture and raise children. But those wacky hets! They do seem to work hard at coming up with ways to disprove that.

Three weeks old with a 3-day old broken leg injury

Gay couples and single adults are often denied the right to adopt children, also based on the above beliefs on the best way to deal with orphans, foster children, abandoned children and those removed from heterosexually dysfunctional homes. A nice straight couple is the way to go, right?

Or not.
Not here, either.

Oh, well. That sort of thing is rare, right?

The perils of restrooms

2007-08-28T10:21:00.001-04:00

For some strange reason, a few heterosexuals have difficulty navigating the complexity of restroom usage and communications with others while in restrooms. For example, there's this -
The Tea Room Dance

Karsnia entered the bathroom at noon that day and about 13 minutes after taking a seat in a stall, he stated he could see “an older white male with grey hair standing outside my stall.”

The man, who lingered in front of the stall for two minutes, was later identified as Craig.

“I could see Craig look through the crack in the door from his position. Craig would look down at his hands, ‘fidget’ with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again. Craig would repeat this cycle for about two minutes,” the report states.

Craig then entered the stall next to Karsnia’s and placed his roller bag against the front of the stall door.

“My experience has shown that individuals engaging in lewd conduct use their bags to block the view from the front of their stall,” Karsnia stated in his report. “From my seated position, I could observe the shoes and ankles of Craig seated to the left of me.”

Those darn wacky hets!

2007-08-28T10:07:00.000-04:00

Have you ever thought how odd it is that so many heterosexuals seem to, well... misbehave?

Maybe it's not their fault; maybe they were born that way. But surely when the (Christian/Jewish/Muslim/whatever) holy books have SO MANY restrictions for hetero-sex and so few for homo-sex, the Supreme Deity(s) must have known it was the hets who needed more guidance, morality-wise. And let us not forget the most important aspect of heterosexuality, the one thing which makes them so prone to misbehavior - breeding. Dasly, breeding is NOT as regulated, either by magical books nor law, and therefore, those wacky hets find themselves in all sorts of trouble when trying to make, stop making, having and raising their progeny.

Hence, this blog, dedicated to showing just how wacky those moral, ghod-fearing, child-making folks can be. Remember, queers - these are our role models! Read, watch, and learn. Maybe one day we can be just like them, and earn our civil rights just like, uh, they did.